Making Myself Beautiful

It’s been almost 3 months to the day that I got my heart broken for the first time by the one man who I honestly trusted more than anyone in the world to never hurt me. It was honestly the worst experience I’ve had in my life. I guess that goes to show what an easy life I’ve had, but I’ve never experienced such intense emotion. Anyone who has gone through this knows what I’m talking about. Your emotional pain is so intense that you can feel it physically- I remember that just walking down the street was a struggle because I felt like I was struggling under a literal weight crushing my chest. I had panic attacks, I stopped going to class, I didn’t eat for a week, I spent a lot of time drunk or high, self-harmed, thought about suicide, hated my life… made some dumb choices to try to make myself feel better, cried, sent him a few regrettable drunk texts, missed him, hated him, hated myself, etc.

But now I’m finally at a place where I feel like I used to. I still think about him everyday, but it’s no longer with sadness. The only time I cry about it is sometimes when I’m drunk and feeling lonely… but I feel stupid the next morning lol. I know I will always care for him, but I can honestly say that I no longer love him. I wish him well, and I know that one day he will understand why it was so hard for me to “get over it”- he will have his heart broken too. He hurt me, but I love myself more, therefore I cannot love him anymore. When it first happened I thought that quote about better to have loved and lost than never to have at all was bullshit. Now I understand it. I learned a lot about myself and about how to make better choices. Once a girl gets her heart broken she’s a lot more careful with it. So true. I will wait for a man who deserves me. And until that time, I’m going to focus on me. 

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”

P90X Day 6

I’ve been totally inconsistent about updating this, so sorry. Umm well basically I’ve been trying to cut back the drinking and partying but have been unsuccessful… oops. But the good news is that I’ve been working out almost every day. Today I will do P90X day 6. Holy crap these workouts are tough. I know that it hasn’t been very long, but I feel like I can already see results. I already feel stronger. If I already see a small change in my body after a week, I am SO excited to see what I’ll be like on day 90!

Day 2

Food: 

Not a super great day. Totally binged for dinner.

-2 slices wheat bread with peanut butter and jam for breakfast

-3 eggs and one slice of wheat bread for lunch

-6” sub sandwich with chicken, bacon, ranch, and lettuce for dinner

-chocolate chunk cookie for dessert

Calories- approx 1,600

Exercise: 

-1 hour, 10 minutes elliptical

-weight machines

Approx Calories burned- 800

Deficit: 2,000 (metabolism) - 1,600 + 800 = 1,200